Mental Health

The Truth Hurts. (Shout-out Lizzo):

Here is a post that I am going to become extremely vulnerable and raw with. So vulnerable that I haven’t discussed this much about my mental health to anyone. So lucky you… no sweeping anything under the rug or leaving out anything that may come off as embarrassing.

Mental health awareness has become more acceptable and discussed more often in our society in the past few years. Yes, I think it is absolutely amazing to share awareness, but a part of me feels that because it is thrown around so much it loses its significance. Kind of like the way we are so accustomed to saying “sorry” for every little thing that the value of “sorry” has lost its full meaning (at least in my eyes). That being said, I’m going to open up about my struggles and the roller coaster of a ride with mental health.

My Anxiety in a Nutshell:

I want to start off by describing what my anxiety personally feels like, because those who do not have it may not understand how terrible it is. My anxiety starts by my body getting really hot and sweaty followed by my hearing going out to the point where I can only hear background noises. My breathing gets hard to control and sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe at all. I have passed out during panic attacks and I have thrown up during panic attack. Which you will come to find out, is very ironic. Some of these panic attacks last only a minute while some may last ten minutes. They differ on whom I am with, where I am, and what I am panicking about. Having a small understanding of what it feels like will help you grasp the rest of this post.

My Story:

The beginning of my mental health journey starts when I was in grade school and got food poising. I know most people don't enjoy being sick to their stomach, but something occurred in my mind at this very time in my life where I developed a severe phobia of throwing up. I tricked myself into believing I would get sick every time I ate. Doesn't make sense… I agree, however it still occurred.

            Fast forward to high school. At this time my anxiety was at its peak and to make it even better, depression was added on top of it. Being a girl in high school is hard enough because girls can be vicious at this age, myself included. The combination of depression with high school drama ate away at me. Skipping school and canceling plans with friends became a common routine. Probably the only routine I could maintain at the time. Napping 4 or more hours of the day suppressed my emotion and also became a main hobby of mine. I blamed the sleeping on my mono and claimed I never fully recovered. It finally became evident to my primary doctor that something was wrong when I wouldn't even speak to her at my doctor appointments (if I didn't skip them). I tried probably around 5 different medications and multiple combinations before I found one that made me stable… but not nearly as happy as I should have been.

My sophomore year of college is when I hit rock bottom. The internalizing of my negative emotions broke me. It was then when I sat up all night writing a suicide note to my family and friends. Scary yes, I know, but I promised I would be vulnerable… I wrote about how sorry I was and how I wish I was a better daughter. How I wish I could have been happier and how I was so mad at myself that I couldn't just smile. Tears saturated this note as I wrote it and memories of my childhood when I was happy replayed in my mind. As I finished my letter, I looked up on my wall of hanging pictures and I saw a picture of my little cousins. These were the type of cousins that have always looked up to me, dressed like me, and played the same sports as me. This is the moment when reality set in. I pictured in my head my aunt telling my little cousins at such a young age what had happened to me, and them trying to understand such a heavy topic. That picture saved my life.

The Road to Recovery:

The next time I was home, I went on a new medication that finally started to help me. Things began to look up and my life at school became enjoyable. Senior year came very fast and the overwhelming feeling of moving on started to fade into my head. On top of that, I went through a breakup with someone who was the closest person to me at that time. After that breakup I fell back down the slippery slope of not feeling worthy enough (Not blaming him). Then something clicked. Honestly, I think it was the breakup that made me realize that my happiness was important, and I needed to find it. This took a very long time but putting myself first slowly became my main priority.

Present day Britt:

I can’t sugar coat this, I still have major panic attacks and some lows. My most recent anxiety episodes have been occurring when I am in situations that I cannot control such as on trains, planes, busses, in big cities and so on. I have also noticed that I drink at social outings to suppress my anxiety, but then the next morning my hangover makes my anxiety ten times worse. A real shitty cycle. However, I found what it takes to make the HAPPIEST BRITT! I found the right medication. I focus on things that make me feel good about myself such as my skin care (silly I know), and writing. If I have times of feeling down, I don't internalize it. I’ve heard people say that their mental health struggle doesn't define them, and I think that is absolutely great for them. If I am being honest though, sometimes my anxiety and depression does define me. Such as when I miss seeing my best friend run a marathon because I had a panic attack on the train, or when I can’t eat at a restaurant even if I am starving, or even when I can’t get tickets to inside concert venue. In those specific moments my struggle with mental health did define me, but that doesn't mean I am ashamed of who I am because of it.

I have slowly started to learn that I can control my mental health instead of it controlling me. It’s hard as hell, and some times are worse than others. But I look back at where I was years ago, and I am so excited to see how my future progresses. NO ONE should be embarrassed about his or her mental health or afraid to talk about it. I know I never wanted to open up about my struggle because I didn't think people would understand, or maybe they would think I am crazy. The truth is some people may not understand, and some people may think I’m crazy, but there are people in my life who love me and support me no matter what. I believe anyone dealing with mental health can have those people as well you just have to be vulnerable enough to open up.

Guidelines I Follow to Help with Anxiety and Depression:

  Anxiety:

1.       Talk to a counselor

2.       Take medication if needed/wanted (even if it takes forever to find the right one)

3.       In the case of a panic attack play the senses game.

4.       Find-

a.       5 things you can see

b.       4 things you can hear

c.        3 things you can touch

d.       2 things you can smell

e.       1 thing you can taste

5.       In the case of a panic attack, play the ABC game-

•      Find something that starts with every letter of the alphabet

Depression:

1.              Don't isolate yourself

2.              Talk to someone

3.              Read an inspirational book or watch an upbeat movie

4.              Go to a friend’s house

5.              Do not lose hope

Like I mentioned in a previous post, this is your life and you get to choose how it goes. Don't be ashamed or embarrassed about who you are. Everyone has his or her own flaws and unique characteristics that they bring to the table. I decided to open up about my mental health journey in hopes to help those who may relate to not feel alone or ashamed. I want to add that you have no idea what anyone is going through, so be kind to others. Even the happiest people in the room can be carrying the heaviest weight.

(Feel free to message me if you have questions, need advice or someone to talk to)

                                             

                                                                                                                   XO- Britt